


Regression

by rivalmagician



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, F/M, Gen, Iron Man 3 Spoilers, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-11 07:03:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/795225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivalmagician/pseuds/rivalmagician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A raid on an AIM facility for some reason turns the Avengers into children. You know the story...Tony doesn't like clothes, Clint falls in love with every red head he sees, Steve is polite, Bruce is a baby and Thor just wants to go home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Watch out for Iron Man 3 canon...there are some vague spoilers included in the handwavey description of the de-aging.

Virginia Potts prides herself on being incredibly adaptable. She was the woman who took got the job of personal assistant to Tony Stark when she was fresh out of college. Tony Stark who had terrorised people far more experienced than she was into quitting. She had hung on, during the good times and bad times, eventually becoming CEO of one of the most powerful and innovative technology companies in the world. Even when her life changed from playboy wrangling to dealing with terrorists, aliens and wormholes that still make Tony cry out in the middle of the night, she remained calm, cool and carried on. 

This might be the last straw though.

Tony Stark is five years old. Usually this would be an entirely agreeable statement because he is really a big child, except this time he really is five years old. Five years old and on the cusp of the biggest meltdown tantrum Pepper has ever seen. 

Long story short, the Avengers get called out to an AIM facility that’s still up and running even without Aldrich Killian. The fight goes bad and there’s an explosion which just so happens to release one of the first attempts of the Extremis virus which just so happens to directly affect the part of the hypothalamus which controls aging. 

So, now the Avengers are children. At least they are until the virus wears off.

“Tony, Tony…” Pepper says, crouching down as much as her business suit will allow next to the five year old who has thrown himself to the ground in protest, “Get up off the floor please,” 

Tony makes an angry noise before thrashing around and resolutely refusing to get up. Pepper had never really thought about being a mother, but she certainly does not want to be Tony’s mother. 

They’re in one of SHIELD laboratories letting a group of scientists run a myriad of tests on the youthful Avengers to try and figure out what happened. They’ve been there for a long time hence Tony’s epic tantrum. 

“Anthony Edward Stark get up off the floor now,” Pepper repeats, doing the best impression of her mother that she can. She thinks for a moment that maybe the middle name is going to have an effect on him but it doesn’t. He just wriggles around some more before shrieking his refusal. 

“He’s kind of a brat, isn’t he?” a gangly, youthful Captain America says from his position on one of the medical beds where he’s just finished giving a blood sample. The first thing they worked out is that the Avengers have deaged differently according to their exposure to the virus. Steve looks around thirteen years old, the virus managing to make him younger but didn’t have any effect on the serum, leaving him as an incredibly good looking, well-proportioned preteen. Pepper kind of wants to get him an agent and see him model kids wear. 

“Yeah, he is,” Pepper agrees with a nod, “And unfortunately he’s not going to grow out of it,” 

Steve slides off the bench and approaches the small pile of Tony on the floor, “Tony, Tony,” he chants, “Get up and stop being such a big baby,” 

A concerned Thor approaches the group, “What’s wrong with him?” he asks, frowning like the confused puppy dog he is. If Thor were a normal human child, Pepper would place him at about ten years old but he’s not so when asked he tells them that he is seven hundred, no more than a baby in Asgardian terms. 

“There’s nothing wrong with him…he’s just overtired,” Pepper sighs, beginning to feel exhausted herself. By now Steve has grabbed Tony under the armpits and is attempting to pull him to his feet, which isn’t helped by Tony’s uncooperative ability to make his body go completely lax, “Steve, just leave him, you’re going to hurt him if you keep pulling him,” she warns, guessing that Steve is probably unused to being as strong as he is. 

Clint, reduced to a skinny but intense looking seven year old, decides to the join the group, looking like he doesn’t want to be left out. He gnaws contently at the straw of his juice box, surveying the scene with mild curiosity. He’s the only one who hasn’t given Pepper any trouble yet so she’s decided that he’s her favourite. He carefully brings out another juice box from tucked in the waistband of the oversized scrubs he’s wearing after being forced to abandon his uniform. He leans forward and places the juice box in front of Tony’s head in a show of friendship. Tony knocks it over and scowls up at him. 

“Nice try Clint,” Pepper says, placing a hand on his shoulder, praying that he doesn’t start crying because he really looks like he might. 

“I was trying to be nice,” Clint says quietly. 

Thor stoops over quickly and picks up the juice carton, he pulls the straw off with some difficulty and starts drinking, “I like this drink,” he says after a couple of experimental sips and smiles at Clint, making him look very shyly happy with himself. 

One of the SHIELD scientists comes up to them holding Dr Banner, who due to being closest to the explosion, is now the fattest, cutest little baby Pepper has ever seen, “They’re all cleared to go,” the harassed scientist tells her, “Take them. Take them now, please,” she says desperately, holding out baby Bruce towards Pepper.

Pepper raises her hands defensively like she’s just about to be handed a bomb, which considering Dr Banner’s condition is a good description, “Whoa…I’m taking them?” she asks.

The scientist nods fervently, “They can’t stay here…look what they’ve done to the place already,” she says, indicating the fairly trashed laboratory, “Can you take the boys but Agent Romanov has to stay here for observation,” 

Rather frighteningly twelve year old Natasha attempted to kill the SHIELD team that was sent to collect the Avengers from the AIM facility. She very nearly succeeded before being sedated and kept under close observation. Pepper’s heart sinks when she realises that when she was twelve she still played with dolls and had sleepovers, but when Natasha was twelve she was being taught to kill. 

“You mean I have to take them back to the Tower?” she asks incredulously, “In case you haven’t noticed I’m the CEO of Stark Industries…I can’t babysit,” she informs the woman, still not taking Bruce from her outstretched arms, “I don’t even know how to hold babies…” 

Steve steps forward, “I can help ma’am,” he says brightly, taking Bruce gently into his arms, “Sometimes I took after the kids who live across the hallway,” he smiles, letting Bruce take hold of one of his fingers in a pudgy little fist, “He’s a good little baby,” 

Pepper sighs in relief as Steve seems perfectly happy for Bruce to drool all over him, “I can’t look after them…”

“Get some help then,” the scientist shrugs, “Lots of mothers do,” 

Pepper kind of wants to punch her. 

* * * * * 

Eventually Pepper calls the only person as equipped to deal with this weirdness as she is. Happy arrives in the lab a little while later, gives an exhausted sigh and crouches down next to Tony. 

“Come on boss, time to go home,” he tells him, distracting him by blowing a raspberry before picking him up quickly. 

“You’re a miracle worker,” Pepper tells him as they leave SHIELD HQ.

Happy shrugs, unconcerned, “It would be the first time that I picked an uncooperative Tony up off the floor,” he says, “He’s just a little lighter this time around,” 

Pepper leads the strange little procession out to the car; Happy carrying Tony, Steve holding Bruce and Thor bringing up the rear, downing his fourth juice box. Clint runs up to Pepper’s side and slips his own hand into her before looking up at her adoringly. 

It seems someone has a little crush. 

Pepper’s life is exhausting. 

* * * * * 

Once they get back to the Tower, Pepper’s almost tricked into thinking that they might be able to deal with this until the effects wear off. It’s not difficult to buy a selection of toys and clothes for the boys to wear; it’s a little more trouble to get them dressed though, Tony seems to be much happier wearing no clothes at all (which is unsurprising) and Clint manages to dress himself but puts all his clothes on back to front. Once Pepper manages to teach Thor how to tie his shoelaces, she settles them all in the living room with the television and a stack of toys. 

Things are going great until they reach the first hurdle. 

“Ew…” Tony’s voice cuts through the sound of clattering toys and playful chatter, “Bruce is smelly,” he says, screwing up his face. 

The other boys cotton on quickly and scramble away from a confused looking Bruce.

“Oh God…he didn’t,” Pepper panics from her place on the couch where she had been looking through the pile of drawings that Clint had insisted on giving to her, “Happy…what do we do?” 

Happy’s the only one brave enough to step up, he carefully picks up an almost apologetic looking Bruce and sniffs, “Oh yeah…needs a change,” he says, “Calm down…everybody poops,” he tries to reassure her, “I’ll deal with this then?” 

Pepper nods insistently because she just can’t deal with that, “It’s alright boys…you can come back and play now,” he calls over to the corner of the room where they’ve all gathered, noses and mouths covered by their t-shirts.

Tony returns to his mountain of Legos where it looks like he’s building something that might one day gain sentience, except that his little hands don’t seem to be able to keep up with his brain. After he manages to drop his creation for the second time in five minutes, he throws it down and curls up into a ball again.

“Uh-oh,” Steve says, looking up from his notebook where he had been engrossed in drawing something, “Tony’s going to cry again,” 

“Not crying,” Tony yells, grabbing a handful of Legos and throwing it in Steve’s direction. 

“Tony!” Pepper exclaims, sounding shocked. Steve uses his notebook to shelter himself from the deluge of Legos and doesn’t look any worse for wear, “Say you’re sorry Tony,” 

Pepper gets up and sits down next to Tony, dismayed to find out that Steve wasn’t just teasing and that Tony’s sobbing quietly into the carpet, “Tony?” she says softly, “Oh Tony, don’t cry,” she pleads, picking up some of the Legos, “Why don’t you tell me what to do and I’ll make it for you,” 

Tony looks up slowly and Pepper’s confronted with the same big brown eyes as usual just in a smaller face. He sniffs and says the words that Pepper’s been dreading, “I want my mama,” he cries pitifully before burying his wet face in Pepper’s expensive blouse. 

Up until now the Avengers have been fairly content to do what they’re told and haven’t really asked where they are or why they’re here but of course Tony would be the first one to realise that something was wrong here. Pepper puts her arms around the bawling Tony, only to feel someone tugging at her sleeve. She turns around to see a worried looking Thor also looking like he might start crying.

“Lady Pepper, I would also like to see my mother now,” he says shakily and Pepper’s a little scared that she might she the God of Thunder cry for his mother. 

Steve also gets up, “Ma’am, I think my Ma’s going to be worrying,” he says politely, “I should be getting home,” 

From here on the floodgates open; the spell is broken and they all seem to realise that something is wrong and they’re not where they’re supposed to be. 

“Where are we anyway?” Clint asks, his head popping up from behind the couch.

“This realm is not Asgard,” Thor notices, “My father is going to be angry…I am not allowed to travel to other realms,” he says shaking his head. 

“What are you talking about?” Tony demands tearfully, looking like he hasn’t understood a word of what Thor has said. The bickering begins anew from there; with Tony yelling and still crying, Thor telling them what his father’s going to do when he finds out he’s missing, Steve trying to keep the peace and Clint jumping up and down on the couch. 

“Boys, boys…quiet!” Pepper yells and silence descends over the room as they all look at her in surprise. Pepper takes a deep breath, “If you all sit down, then I can explain what’s happening,” she says with a forced calmness. 

The boys all drop down onto the couch, looking up at Pepper obediently. Tony’s shoulders are still shaking with dry sobs and Clint’s still looking like he’s in love with her, but they’re all quiet. 

“Okay…right then,” Pepper says, trying to quickly work out what she’s going to tell them, “It’s true that you’re all a long way from home,” she begins, “Because you see…thing is…there was an accident and you were all transported here…”

“We’re in the future,” Tony interrupts. 

“Wait…how did you know that?” Pepper asks in surprise. 

“That clock says 2013,” Tony said, pointing to the time below the television set, “It’s 1975,” 

Steve frowns and turns to Tony, “No, it’s not,” he says quickly, “It’s 1931,” 

Clint interrupts quietly, “It’s 1977,” 

“Lady Pepper, how may I ask did we travel in time?” Thor asks reasonably, “What kind of magic occurred?” 

Pepper sighs, really not wanting to explain something she doesn’t really understand herself, “Well…I’m not sure of the technicalities, but it’s only going to be a few days…I promise,” 

The four of them remain quiet for a long time, not looking as reassured as Pepper hoped they’d be. 

“I am hungry,” Thor says eventually, sounding slightly thoughtful. 

“Me too,” Steve adds, “Can we have something to eat?” 

* * * * * 

If Pepper thought the Avengers might eat less now because they were smaller, she was wrong. It seems like the de-aging hasn’t done anything to curb their appetites. 

It starts with mac and cheese, which disappears very quickly and leaves them all still hungry. So Pepper calls for pizza, a lot of pizza. Bruce rejoins the group at that point and eats pretty much anything Happy puts in front of him, more than a baby should eat. The pizza is demolished and Thor happily declares it time for dessert.

“How can such small people eat so much?” Happy asks in bemusement as Bruce smears banana around his face and the older boys eat their body weight in ice cream. 

“I have no idea,” Pepper sighs, searching the fridge for more food for them, “You think it’s something to do with the virus?” 

“Make sense,” Happy shrugs, “In a way that Dr Banner could probably explain if he wasn’t…well, a chubby little ball of cute,” 

“Or Tony…if he wasn’t covered in chocolate,” Pepper says, watching as Tony gets most of his food around his face, “Happy…we can’t do this by ourselves, I have a job…you have a job,” 

“We need reinforcements,” Happy agrees, “Let’s just get them to bed first…it looks like they’re crashing a little bit,” 

Sure enough, Clint face plants into his bowl of ice cream.

* * * * * 

Pepper decides against sending them to their usual bedrooms when she walks into Clint’s room to find several knives embedded in the wall. She doesn’t want to think about what other dangerous things might be lurking in there. 

So, while Happy is chasing down the younger ones and trying to get them to wash up, she sets up a bedroom away from the most dangerous things in the building. She’s just finished making up four beds and a cot when Thor appears behind her.

“Lady Pepper…I cannot sleep,” he says. 

“Well, Thor, you haven’t really tried yet,” Pepper replies pointedly.

“No, I cannot sleep without Astrid,” he explains looking troubled. 

“Who’s Astrid?” Pepper asks, worried that’s she’s missed out on some Asgardian weirdness. 

“She is my doll, I cannot sleep without her,” Thor says, shaking his head. 

“Dolls are for girls,” Tony’s voice calls out as he enters the room.

“Tony…will you please put your pajamas on?” Pepper says, averting her gaze from a once again naked Tony. 

Thor looks confused, “Astrid…she is a warrior princess,” he tells Pepper, “She protects me from Frost Giants,” 

Pepper sighs, “Okay…firstly, dolls are not just for girls Tony,” she tells the five year old pointedly, making sure he puts his pyjamas on, “And secondly…Astrid isn’t here Thor,” she says apologetically. 

Thor pulls a face like a kicked puppy, “Oh…” he says sadly, sitting down on the edge of one of the beds. 

“But there aren’t any Frost Giants, I promise you,” Pepper tries to reassure him but he doesn’t look convinced. 

Steve enters the room next and looks at the bed in surprise, “We get one of these each?” he says incredulously, testing out his bed, “Are you rich Miss Potts?” he asks carefully. 

“Very,” Pepper says quickly, pulling back the covers on Tony’s bed and trying to get him to lie down, “Now where’s Clint?” 

Something suddenly connects with her back and Pepper turns around to find Clint hugging her tight around the middle. Clint is definitely her favourite. 

When she’s finally got them all in bed, reassuring Thor once again that there are no frost giants and working very hard not to physically restrain an overactive Tony, she goes back out into the living room where Happy is holding a sleepy Bruce. 

“How are you able to do this?” Pepper asks in a whisper.

“Oh…three younger sisters and more recently seven nieces and nephews,” Happy responds with a smile, “It’s not so hard…especially with this little guy, he’s a sweet heart,” he coos. 

Pepper briefly wonders if Happy will still think Baby Bruce is a sweetheart if they’re forced to deal with a baby Hulk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper is ditched for a younger redhead and things get crazy when the Little Other Guy decides to make an appearance.

Pepper is woken in the early hours of the next morning by the vague feeling that someone is watching her. She has to stop herself from screaming when her sleep fogged brain finally comprehends that it’s a youthful Tony standing next to the bed, looking at her with huge brown eyes. She turns to her alarm clock and is appalled to learn that it’s only five in the morning.

“Tony…why are you awake?” Pepper asks blearily, “What’s wrong?” 

“Jarvis is in the walls,” Tony tells her urgently, his eyes going even bigger if that was possible.

“Wait…what?” Pepper tries to comprehend as Tony leaps up onto the bed.

“Jarvis!” he calls out to the room. 

“Yes, sir,” replies the disembodied voice of the AI and Pepper finally understands what on Earth Tony is talking about. Tony looks at her insistently, expecting an explanation as to why his childhood bodyguard and caregiver is suddenly in the walls. This, quite honestly, is a good question because Pepper’s never really been able to understand why Tony found it necessary to give JARVIS the voice of an actual person. 

“Tony…that’s not really Jarvis,” Pepper tells him, sitting up in bed and dislodging him slightly so he ends up sitting heavily on her legs, “It’s just a voice recording,” 

“Oh…okay,” Tony nods brightly, “Where’s Jarvis then?” 

“I don’t know but why don’t you go back to bed,” Pepper tells him calmly. 

Tony gets up and begins bouncing on the bed slightly, “I can’t…everybody else is awake anyway,” he informs her. 

There’s a loud thud and the sounds of laughter from outside the hallway and Pepper sincerely hopes that nothing too expensive is broken. 

* * * * * 

Sure enough, everybody’s awake and causing trouble. Clint is doing cartwheels down the corridor, narrowly avoiding knocking over several very expensive, almost unique, sculptures. Thor is sliding around on his socked feet, in the middle of a game of catch with Steve who seems to be enjoying his new found coordination and strength. Scooting around on the floor, getting underneath everybody’s feet, is Bruce who seems to be trying to keep up with the bigger boys but mostly just getting in the way. Pepper scoops him up before he gets trodden on and they have to deal with a Baby Hulk on top of everything as well. 

Pepper’s sudden appearance startles Steve who misses the ball that’s thrown to him by Thor. The ball does however sail over his head and bounce off Tony’s head, beginning the waterworks anew. It’s a minor miracle that Tony isn’t concussed or worse and Pepper isn’t surprised he’s crying, she’d probably cry if she got hit by a throw from Thor.

“Tony…I’m so sorry,” Steve says, immediately running to his side. Tony’s clutching his head and pretty much bawling his eyes out so Pepper hands off Bruce to Steve’s capable hands once more and picks up Tony instead. 

“Steve….Thor, you’ve got to be careful with the little ones,” she tells them, rubbing the side of his head and surreptitiously feeling for a bump.

“I did not mean to hurt him,” Thor says apologetically. And dammit Pepper just can’t stay angry at him. 

“I know, I know,” Pepper sighs, trying to recall how her mother used to comfort her when she was young, “Tony…does it still hurt?” she asks and he nods his head pitifully, earning himself a kiss to the side of his head which makes him blush and smile slightly. 

“May we have breakfast now?” Thor interrupts. 

“Pancakes…” Tony sniffles quietly. 

* * * * * 

Pepper was under the impression that she knew how to make pancakes but according to Tony, she doesn’t. He prefaces every sentence with “Jarvis doesn’t do that,” or “When Jarvis makes me pancakes,” and follows her around the kitchen with his disapproval. Pepper has to avoid laughing because she knows that never in his life will Tony ever learn to make pancakes for himself. 

Steve puts himself in charge of laying the table while Thor and Clint eat cereal straight from the box, occasionally feeding Bruce who babbles happily over all the commotion. When Pepper finally dishes up the pancakes, they wait for Tony’s opinion on them before they all start eating. Once again, Pepper is witness to a lot of food disappearing into several very small people.

“Lady Pepper…may I have some more?” Thor requests politely, after a loud belch that impresses the whole table. 

Pepper sighs, she’s not built for slaving away in the kitchen but she carries on cooking. She ends up dishing a small mountain of scrambled eggs on each of their plates, earning herself another adoring look from Clint, who still seems to think that she’s the best thing he’s ever seen.

That is until Natasha shows up. 

After they’ve fed the kids and gone through the trauma of getting them dressed for the day, Agent Sitwell arrives with a thoroughly unimpressed twelve year old Natasha in tow. 

“We’ve managed to communicate the situation,” Sitwell says, looking very tired, “And I don’t think she’s going to try and kill anyone,” 

“You don’t think…?” Pepper repeats, looking down at the round faced little girl who is being stared at inquisitively by the assembled boys.

Sitwell shrugs, “Yeah…I just really need to go to sleep,” he shakes his head, “This is all too much for me…good luck…you’re my hero,” he says, wandering out before turning back to add, “She understands English…but she pretends she doesn’t,” 

So, Natasha joins the party, standing to one side of the pile of toys that have taken over the living room, looking uncertain about what she’s supposed to do. Clint’s the first to approach her and, being willing to share as always, holds out a stuffed bear that Natasha holds between her finger and her thumb, her nose wrinkling slightly. 

“Okay…” Pepper says warily, “Why don’t we all go back to playing?” she says, trying to get them all the return to their games. 

“I’m bored,” Tony says, kicking at a pile of Lego despondently.

“Me too,” Thor joins in the complaining, dropping down on the couch and sighing. 

“Let’s play what Natasha wants to play,” Clint says and Pepper is a little hurt that he’s turned his attentions to a younger redhead, “What do you want to play Natasha?” 

The affection is clearly not returned as Natasha looks at him like he’s a slightly mangy dog that she really wants to leave her alone. 

“Ma’am?” Steve says and Pepper has to suppress her shudder at being called ma’am, “Would it be alright if we played outside?” he asks politely. 

Unleashing full sized Avengers on the unsuspecting public is bad enough, Pepper can’t bear to think what letting loose their younger counterparts would lead to, “Not just yet Steve,” she says and the whole group look crestfallen, “But I’m sure we can find something fun to do indoors,” she tells them hopefully. 

* * * * * 

It doesn’t end well. 

Steve decides on behalf of the group that they should build a fort and, being the natural born leader that he is, soon organises the group. Thor is put in charge of arranging dining rooms into a circle while Clint and Tony run around the penthouse gathering all the soft furnishings they can carry. Natasha sits to one side, watching them like they’re animals in a zoo; but at the same time she has a distant look of longing in her eyes, like she wants to join in but can’t figure out how she’s supposed to do it. 

Bruce seems to be afflicted with the same problem; he really wants to play with the bigger boys but can’t keep up with them. He seems particularly attached to Steve who he shuffles around after as he drapes blankets over the dining room chairs. 

Pepper watches from the side, half trying to keep Stark Industries running and half keeping an eye on them, “Steve…be careful with Bruce,” she warns as Bruce gets under foot again, almost making Steve trip in an attempt to avoid stepping on him. 

Steve gives a sigh of frustration, picking Bruce up and depositing him on the couch, “Now stay here Bruce,” he tells him sternly, “You can play with us in the fort when it’s done,” he says before going back to work. 

Bruce sits there for a while looking distressed. Since becoming a baby Bruce hasn’t cried once, not when he’s been hungry, wet or even when Clint tried to pick him up and accidentally dropped him. But after being told that he can’t play and being left by himself, his face turns a distinctly green hue. 

“What’s wrong with Bruce?” Tony asks as he comes back into the room with Clint, Happy and a pile of cushions in tow, “Don’t cry Bruce,” he says, rushing forward to reassure the baby. 

Unfortunately, it’s too late and baby Hulk is about to make an appearance. He’s about the size of a five year old and full of unrestrained anger which is about to be directed at an alarmed Tony. Happy darts forward and catches Tony around the waist, lifting him away from the danger zone. Natasha seems to have already guessed that something is about to go badly, dangerously wrong and makes her way to the exit, which she appears to have scoped out long before. Surprisingly, she turns back and grabs a stunned Clint by the hand and tugs him away, just in time for him to avoid be hit by a dining chair that is flung in his direction. 

Now the younger children are out of the way, it’s just Thor, Steve and Pepper in the room. Steve, being nearest to the Hulk, catches the full force of his anger and a second, well aimed dining chair to the chest. Pepper runs to his aid, helping him to his feet and out of the way just as Thor wrestles the Hulk to the ground. He pins him to the ground, their fall softened by the cushions that were abandoned as Happy carried Tony away.

“Should we help?” a bruised Steve asks Pepper. 

“I think they’re okay actually,” Pepper concludes as she hears Thor burst into laughter as he wrestles with the Hulk on their own soft wrestling arena. 

* * * * * 

 

Pepper eventually ventures back into the living room when the noise dies down. The place is completely trashed; the wide screen is shattered, every piece of furniture is demolished and the air is thick with feathers from the shredded cushions. In the middle of all the chaos is a slumbering baby Bruce dressed in a tattered baby grow and cuddling a headless teddy bear. He looks so impossibly harmless that it's hard to believe that he is responsible for all the destruction.

"Wow," Tony whistles, "Bruce trashed the place," he says automatically heading towards the broken glass. It's astounding how Tony doesn't seem to have any instinct for self-preservation. 

"Thor...Thor sweetie, are you okay?" Pepper asks, holding onto Tony's hand so he does touch anything dangerous.

Thor steps out of the kitchen, clutching a box of cookies that he seems to have eaten most of, "Yes Lady Pepper," he says quite happily, "Bruce and I fought for some time until he became sleepy and reverted back to his true form," he says with his mouth full, "It is a powerful curse he is affected with...perhaps if my mother were hear she could assist..." He says hopefully. 

Steve is making his way around the room, already attempting to clean up the destruction.

"It's okay Steve...I'll just get someone in to clean the place," she tells him but he doesn't look like he wants to stop.

"I'm sorry Miss Potts," he says quietly, looking ashamed with himself, "This is my fault, I shouldn't have upset the baby,"

Pepper sighs and lets go of Tony's hand so she can go help Steve turn the coffee table the right way up again, "Babies get upset Steve...you were just making sure he didn't get hurt, it’s not your fault that Bruce is…different," she reassures him, "And besides if you weren't here then he'd get upset a lot more often...you know more about babies than I do," 

Steve looks a little reassured at that and nods his head like he's conceding that Pepper is pretty terrible with babies, "What about all the toys?" he says, looking around the destroyed piles of plastic that had only just been bought. 

"I'm sure we'll manage," she smiles, leaning over to pick up Bruce and his decapitated teddy bear. Tony scampers thought the destruction and plucks out the bear's head from underneath the couch. 

"We can sew it's head back on," he tells her, holding out the head towards her. 

"Thank you Tony but I don't know how to sew," Pepper says.

"Jarvis knows how to sew," Tony says matter-of-factly.

Pepper can't help rolling her eyes at that.

* * * * * 

It’s a relief when evening comes around and it’s time for the kids to go to bed. Thankfully, they all seemed to be pretty tired so it’s not so difficult to get them all into bed. 

Bruce wakes up after hulking out, eats his body weight in stewed apple before dropping right back off the sleep. He lies on his stomach, clutching the body of the beheaded teddy bear under one arm and holding onto the head in the other, chewing sleepily on its ear. He seemed reluctant to have it taken away, even when Steve offered to sew it back together.

After being saved from Bruce’s rampage by Natasha, Clint seems to be even more in love with her; a fact that Natasha seems to have adjusted to. Clint drags his camp bed across the room and sets it up next to Natasha’s. She sighs and says something under her breath in Russian but allows it. 

Tony falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, curling up into a ball on his side in a sleeping position that he’ll still do in around forty years. Only the top of his head remains visible as he snuffles and snores quietly. 

Thor remains awake for a little longer, tired by his impromptu play fight with the Hulk but reluctant to sleep. 

“What’s wrong Thor?” Pepper asks as she tugs the covers over Clint after he throws them off in his sleep. 

“I cannot sleep without Astrid,” Thor sighs again, missing his doll, “And I wish to see my mother,” he adds quietly. 

He looks so lost and sad that Pepper instinctively leans down to kiss him on the forehead, “Try not to worry Thor,” she tells him, “You’ll see your mother soon…” she says, trying to sound reassuring, “Didn’t you tell me about Heimdall? You said he could see everything…” she tries to recall one of the many strange things Thor has told her since they first met, “That means he can see you and he can tell your mother that everything’s alright,” 

Strangely enough, the fact that somebody is constantly watching over him seems to be reassuring to Thor because he smiles slightly and calls out, “Goodnight Heimdall, tell my mother I love her,” 

Pepper pats his blonde mop and turns her attention to Steve, who insisted that as the oldest he would be able to stay up and read, but promptly fell asleep with his book on his face. Pepper picks the book up off his face and places it on the bedside table. 

She gives the room one last check to make sure everyone is asleep before turning off the light and closing the door, which she leans against exhaustedly and sighs heavily. She really needs to get a babysitter for tomorrow.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's really hard to find a good babysitter these days.

Darcy knows she’s just a probationary agent, basically an intern, but this is just ridiculous. When she was summoned to Fury’s office by the Director himself, she assumed that either she’d done something wrong and was going to be dumped on the side of the road with six months of her memory missing. But no, she was given a special assignment. Emphasis on the special. 

Babysitting; Darcy hasn’t done babysitting since she was fourteen years old and had to look after the neighbours bratty kids for five dollars an hour. 

“You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” Darcy announces when she’s confronted by the sight of the Avengers all slumped on the couch, watching cartoons and all under the age of fifteen. 

“Unfortunately no,” Pepper Potts says, she’s Darcy’s idol because the woman is CEO of one of the most successful companies in America as well as being impossible well dressed and gorgeous. Darcy’s kind of torn between wanting to be her and wanting to kiss her, “Director Fury did make you sign the confidentiality clause?” she asks.

“Oh yeah…I signed a whole bunch of stuff,” Darcy assures her, “Basically…I say nothing about whatever this is,” she gestures to the couch full of Baby Avengers. 

“Okay…so they eat like hogs, stomp around like baby elephants and don’t leave Bruce alone otherwise he gets scared and…hulks out,” Pepper explains, gathering together stacks of papers and getting ready to leave. 

“Baby Hulk…that’s so cute,” Darcy coos but Pepper shakes her head seriously, “Okay…actually I can see how that would be terrible,” 

Pepper nods, “Yeah…so I’d say that at the moment, the TV is the main babysitter…” she gestures to the hypnotised children, “Which I’m okay with…hey guys,” she calls out to them, barely getting a reaction, “I’m going now,” 

The most she gets in return as a grunt followed by a shushing noise as nobody takes their eyes off the screen. Darcy shakes her head sadly, “It’s the death of childhood,” she sighs.

So Darcy spends most of the morning with an adorably pudgy baby Bruce Banner on her lap. The other kids still dangerously entranced by the television.

“So…you guys are kids, huh?” Darcy asks, “That’s weird,” she chuckles, none of them reply, “At least you’re talking to me,” she sighs as Bruce babbles happily and chews her index finger. 

She can’t actually believe that she’s seeing a delightfully tiny Tony Stark sitting crossed legged on the floor with his mouth wide open, occasionally guffawing at Scooby Doo. 

“Okay guys…this is sad,” Darcy says decisively, getting to her feet and balancing Bruce on her hip before going to stand in front of the TV. All five of them crane their heads, trying to see around her, “Everybody up…I’m taking you outside,” 

Steve snaps out of his television stupor to look at her in surprise, like he’s only realised that she’s there, “But Miss Potts said that we should stay inside,” he tells her because Baby Captain America is a know-it-all.

“No…come on it’ll be fun,” Darcy assures him, “Come on everybody up and find some shoes,” 

It takes them longer than she anticipated getting them all out of the Tower; Tony Stark can’t tie his shoes laces but won’t let anyone else tie them, Thor can’t decide whether he wants to wear blue or red sneakers and Darcy’s a little scared that the Black Widow might be plotting to kill them all. On top of that it takes the whole group about half an hour to work out how to put Bruce’s pushchair together. 

But finally they’re out on the streets of New York and Darcy feels like freaking Maria Von Trapp. Thor and Clint run a little ahead of them; Clint pretending to be an airplane and Thor just copying Clint because he’s not entirely sure what an airplane is. Natasha and Steve walk side by side with Steve occasionally trying to engage her in conversation but receiving nothing in response. Darcy brings up the rear, pushing Bruce’s pushchair with Tony clinging onto the back and yelling for her to push faster. He had been walking alongside her but his short legs struggled to keep up and before any of them realised, he was a block behind and Steve had to run back to get him. 

They end up the Museum of Natural History and Darcy immediately regrets her decision to take them all out in public. Thor sees the woolly mammoth and immediately launches into battle mode, darting towards the ferocious creature with Steve close behind him, begging him not to start climbing the model. Natasha alarmingly goes towards the pre-historic weaponry with Clint following close behind, trying to grab hold of her hand despite the frosty looks he keeps getting. Tony jumps down from the pushchair and runs towards the volcano exhibit, but falls flat on his face in the middle of the entrance hall and bursts into tears. 

All the other parents are judging Darcy. 

* * * * * 

It takes a long time to calm down an uninjured but attention seeking Tony; it takes a pen that lights up from the gift shop to eventually get him to stop crying. Most of the credit goes to Steve in rounding up the others and explaining to Thor that he’s not allowed to climb on the exhibits. Once everyone calms down and remembers to behave themselves they actually have a pretty good time; Tony only cries two more times, Thor adheres to the no touching the exhibits rule most of the time and Steve manages to separate the fight Clint and Natasha had in the gift shop before anything or anyone gets broken. 

Next, armed with a Stark Industries platinum credit card Darcy takes the tiny mob out to lunch where she is alarmed by the sheer amount of food they manage to put away. Thor unashamedly consumes four burgers being only narrowly beaten by Steve who manages four and a half before admitting defeat. Tony almost drowns in a cup of soda and steals French fries from Darcy while Natasha and Clint have another fight over the ownership of a strawberry milkshake. 

The walk back to the Tower is just a chaotic because Tony demands that they stop about three times to go to the bathroom. 

Needless to say that by the time they make it back the fast food has kicked in and they all go nuts. Darcy loses control of the situation completely. 

Miss Potts takes it completely out of context. It was only a very small fire.

* * * * * 

Kid Avengers has entered its fourth day and after the catastrophe that was yesterday Rhodey had foolishly stated that all they needed was some organised, structured activities. Without really meaning to he'd volunteered himself. And so he sat them all down around the kitchen table with a selection of paints.

He had nothing but good intentions. 

Rhodey had heard from Tony that Captain America has a knack for drawing, something that he appears to have learned young as he sticks his tongue out in concentration and does an impressive painting of what looks like Central Park. He's shut out the griping and whining of the other kids and doesn't even seem to notice the smudge of green across his nose.

His narrow minded concentration is impressive seeing as Tony and Clint seem to have the fine motor skills of a pair of monkeys. To be fair, Rhodey should've known better than to wear one of his Lacoste polo shirts, but he wasn't exactly expecting the usually agile Clint to douse him in purple paint. Clint's painting seems to be a purple elephant...or a car...or a tree. Rhodey isn't sure but tells him it's very good anyway. 

Tony's painting himself. No, it's not a self portrait...he's just got more paint on himself than on the paper. Rhodey's not convinced that Tony was the wunderkid that everybody purported him to be. This five year old drinks paint, yells a lot about nothing in particular and has no sense of self preservation. 

On second thoughts, that sounds exactly like Tony at any age. 

Thor might just be the nicest kid Rhodey's ever met. He's got nothing but smiles for anyone he meets, including the bad tempered SHIELD agent come to check on their progress. He occupies himself by painting a rainbow and humming something unfamiliar and probably Asgardian under his breath. When the masterpiece is complete he holds it up to Rhodey, "It's the Bifrost," he prompts in response to Rhodey's perplexed face.

"Oh..." Rhodey responds, "Well...it's very good," he assures him before turning his attention to the sullen, pouty face of the Black Widow. Natasha hasn't touched the paper or paints in front of her. Clint tried to get her to join in, even going so far as to balance a pencil in her limp hands. It's still there, rested against her small hands, just hovering over the page, "So...Natasha, what are you going to draw?" Rhodey asks carefully. 

Natasha looks at the pencil and then to Rhodey, looking confused by the whole situation. He gets up and goes to crouch next to her. Admittedly he's been paying more attention to the others because even now out of the corner of his eye he can see Tony's tongue sticking out in the direction of his paintbrush. He places his hand on the back of Natasha's chair to support his crouched position as he turns to scold Tony.

"Tony, don't let me catch you doing that again...agh, god dammit..." 

The last part isn't directed at Tony, it's more a reaction to the searing pain that shoots through his upper thigh and the surprise at looking down to find Natasha's pencil embedded in his leg. 

Rhodey's been in war zones and he's never witnessed chaos like what happens next. His main priority is the fact that he's bleeding and God he hopes that Natasha didn't hit anything vital because he does not want to be killed by a twelve year old. So, Rhodey falls back and starts trying to stem the flow of blood, soon helped by shocked Steve who snaps out of his artistic trance to help.

Natasha pushes back her chair and nimbly escapes the room by climbing over the table and out of the room. She knocks over the pot of green paint which spills across the table direct into the small playpen set up on the floor for Bruce who was not included in the painting until he is doused in green paint. Rhodey would laugh if he wasn't immediately expecting Baby Hulk to make an appearance. Luckily, Bruce is mildly surprised but not upset by the turn of events and proceeds to smear paint everywhere his little hands can reach.

Clint runs after Natasha in concern for his friend, running straight through the puddle of green paint slowly seeping across the kitchen floor and leaving small, green footprints in his wake. Tony gets up and runs around the table to watch Rhodey writhing around in pain on the floor, his eyes go wide and his mouth drops open, “Is that blood?” he gasps, referring to the dark red spreading across Rhodey’s pants. 

“Get help…” Rhodey grits out to Steve as Tony ralphs across the floor. 

Steve nods in stunned silence and runs away, Rhodey can hear him running down the corridor yelling for help. Thor gives a world weary sigh, still sitting his seat and examining his smudged painting which was a victim of Natasha’s dash across the table. 

* * * * * 

Pepper holds her head in her hands as a thankfully none too seriously injured Rhodey is carted away in an ambulance, this is worse than yesterday if that’s even possible. 

“I left you alone for two hours…” she says quietly, more to herself than to the assembled children.

“I am so sorry Miss Potts,” Steve says, looking absolutely mortified, “We’ll clean the mess I promise,” he swears. 

Pepper deflates at that and shakes her head, “It’s not your fault Steve…” she sighs. Tony steps forward with vomit down his t-shirt and a miserable look on his face, and stretches his arms out towards her. It’s a remarkably similar to what the morning after Tony’s fortieth birthday looked like, except in this case Pepper feels a little more sorry for him, “Oh Tony…let’s get you cleaned up,” she says, taking his hand. 

“What about Bruce?” Steve asks, pointing to Bruce who seems fairly content to smear green handprints across the fridge. 

“What of Natasha?” Thor interjects, “She seemed most distressed…I am sure her attack upon Sir Rhodey was unintentional,” he says and Pepper just wonders what it would take for Earth children to have his vocabulary. 

Pepper nods her head, Natasha’s sudden attack and disappearance is worrying and the fact that Clint is also absent is even more troubling. She turns to Steve, “Can I trust you to get bath time started?” she asks him. 

Steve nods enthusiastically, being trusted to do grown-up things obviously making him swell with pride. He picks a wriggling Bruce who seems perturbed to be removed from his artwork and motions for the other two, “Come on fellas…let’s get cleaned up,” he says leading them out of the kitchen, “Don’t puke again Tony,” he warns.

It’s not difficult to work out where Clint and Natasha are, the paint footprints are a dead giveaway. She finds Clint’s butt poking out from underneath one of the beds in the room the kids are sharing, “Tasha…don’t be scared,” he says in a little voice, “They won’t be mad if you say you’re sorry…” he urges. 

Pepper grabs Clint around the middle and pulls him over from under the bed; he makes a disgruntled noise and allows her to take his place. If there’s one thing that Pepper’s learned it’s that designer clothes have no place around children, her skirt is already creased and dusty and that’s before she leans in the puddle of paint left behind by Clint. 

Natasha is lying curled up on her side, round cheeks tear stained and flushed. When she sees Pepper she begins babbling in Russian, pleading and apologetic. 

“Hey…hey, Natasha...listen to me,” Pepper says, reaching out a hand towards her but not touching her, “Rhodey’s going to be alright, we’re not mad at you,” she reassures her before adding defiantly, “And we’re not scared of you either,” sensing that it’s what Natasha wants to hear. 

Natasha edges forward slightly and takes her hand, “I sorry…” she says quietly, “You a nice lady…”


End file.
